


how could i ever doubt your love

by polaroidestiel



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Happy Ending, Insecure Harry, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Recreational Drug Use, Schizophrenia, There's A Tag For That, briefly mentioned, comforting louis, don't worry it's nothing bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-14 17:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polaroidestiel/pseuds/polaroidestiel
Summary: harry tries to not let the voices get to him. louis helps ease the pain.





	how could i ever doubt your love

**Author's Note:**

> back writing my ride or dies after several years.
> 
> based on my own experiences with schizophrenia/psychosis.

Harry wasn’t sure where he ended and Louis began. As they lay in their bed, encompassed with each other, he wasn’t sure he cared.

 

An alarm rang.

 

“That’s my cue.” Louis began to sit up, only for Harry to wrap his arms around his waist.

 

“Are you sure you can’t spare an extra ten minutes?”

 

“I’ll give you five.” A small smile danced over Louis’ face. He curled back into Harry’s side, and Harry took in the smell of his boyfriend, trying to memorize the way it took over his senses.

 

“You’ll be home late?”

 

Louis hummed in agreement, “Shouldn’t be too late.” Harry pulled him closer. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he could ever learn to not miss Louis. Over the past year he’d taught Harry to love and shown him what true happiness could be. It was something Harry had never thought possible before then. Louis placed a kiss on his forehead as if he knew Harry was thinking about him. 

 

“Hey, I’ll still probably see you tonight.”

 

Harry managed to put a smile on his face, “I know, baby, it’s just going to be a long time until then.”

 

“Not too long at all.” Louis gave him a peck and stood up, already starting to get dressed. Harry was almost positive that wasn’t five minutes. 

 

Louis kept talking, “You have therapy today?” Harry sat up.

 

“In an hour or so.”

 

“You should probably know when, love.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Silence took over as Louis began putting on his shoes.

 

“I’ll see you.”

 

Harry stood, still exposed from the night before. “I’ll see you.” He kissed him, putting all his love into it, hoping it would make sure Louis came home to him that night.

 

“I love you.”

 

Louis smiled, and for some reason it almost looked forced. “I love you too.”

 

Another kiss.

 

“Bye, Harry.”

 

He hated it when Louis called him his name.

 

+

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“I don’t know. It makes sense in my head.”

 

“Do you think it has anything to do with how you view yourself?”

 

Harry thought hard before answering. “No…at least I don’t think so.”

 

His therapist leveled him with a look that Harry knew meant she expected him to continue.

 

“I think it’s more, if he isn’t calling me a pet name, I get insecure.”

 

“Insecure…about what?”

 

“That he doesn’t love me? That he might be calling someone else the names he doesn’t call me?”

 

A pause.

 

“Well, he does call me pet names, it’s not that he doesn’t. ‘Harry’ just seems a little cold.”

 

“Does he act cold to you?”

 

“Well no…maybe a little closed off. But he’s going through a lot too, I can’t hold that against him.”

 

“You don’t think you should bring it up?”

 

“And risk a fight? I don’t think so.”

 

“He would get angry if you brought up a concern?”

 

“Not necessarily, but sometimes he does.”

 

“‘Sometimes’ so he has in the past.”

 

“Yeah when I’ve, like, accused him of cheating.”

 

“Did he?”

 

“Well I had five pages of notes telling me that he could have.”

 

“Could that be your paranoia getting to you again?”

 

“For sure. It’s like a train that I can’t stop.”

 

“Well let’s talk about how your medicine has been helping you.”

 

+

 

Talking with his therapist helped. Louis didn’t hate him, even if he still felt anxious. 

 

He wanted Louis to text him. Reassure him that everything was okay like he could read his mind. Sometimes he thought that he might be able to. To look at the crease between his brows and know that Harry wasn’t sure how he felt anymore. That when he’s with him, he feels great about being with Louis, although ‘okay’ might be a better word choice on some days.

 

He met him at so young, how was he sure he was the one?

 

No. No. No.

 

He loved Louis. He was sick of the voices telling him different. They ruined all the good things in his life. Taking over each facet of happiness he’d ever felt and twisting it in the worst ways.

 

His friends weren’t out to get him just as much as Louis would never cheat on him.

 

But would he not?

 

Harry knew he was a handful to be with. There are so many better boys out in the world that could love Louis right. Better boys who could please Louis in all the best ways. Who didn’t have voices seeding doubt into each of his thoughts. 

 

Why would Louis stay with him, stay _loyal_ to him, when Harry was nowhere near what Louis deserved.

 

Harry shook his head. Those thoughts weren’t his.

 

Jesus christ he needed a blunt.

 

+

 

Smoking helped ease the pain. Didn’t make the voices go away, but made it easier to just fucking _relax_ for once.

 

He checked his phone for the time. It had only been two hours. Another five until he would see Louis.

 

God, why did he only think of himself in terms of Louis?

 

He took another hit.

 

+

 

“Hey, babe.”

 

A smile couldn’t help but bloom on Harry’s face.

 

“Hey, lovely, you off?”

 

A sigh came across the line. “No, someone called out. I’ll probably be here for another hour, I just wanted to call and let you know.”

 

“Oh,” Harry felt his spirits drop in an instant. “Am I going to see you?”

 

“I’ll let you know.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Hey, I love you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

+

 

It was hard for Harry to trust. 

 

He had a voice that sounded just like Louis saying everything that Harry knew wasn’t true. That Louis did deserve better. He’s said he cheated before, what’s stopping him now? A sane boyfriend? Yeah right.

 

Harry tried to push the thoughts out of his head. They weren’t real. Everything is okay.

 

It was an endless chant in his head. But the voices were louder.

 

You’re not good enough.

 

You’re not capable of loving.

 

You don’t even know if you love him.

 

_That’s not true._

 

You know it is. You question if you’re happy with him.

 

He knows. He’s just waiting for you to admit it so he can leave.

 

_That’s not me._

 

You’re thinking it, it’s your brain.

 

He’s probably sucking some other guy’s cock right now.

 

Didn’t he say he has a gay coworker? Weren’t they planning on getting drinks one night?

 

_He told me that there’s nothing happening._

 

He would say that, wouldn’t he? Why would he tell you he’s cheating on you?

 

He said they’re just alike. He only ever tells you how you’re different.

 

_Different is good in relationships. If there were two Louis it’d be madness._

 

But he loves himself doesn’t he? When he says ‘I love you’ does it sound like he means it?

 

_Shut the fuck up. You’re not real._

 

Are we not? You’re the one talking to us.

 

_This isn’t real._

 

_Everything is okay._

 

_This isn’t real._

 

_Everything is okay._

 

_This isn’t real._

 

_Everything is okay._

 

+

 

“Hey, love.”

 

Louis.

 

Harry did a once over. He looked tired. Of course he was, he got off work an hour after he was supposed to.

 

Cheating.

 

_Shut up._

 

“How was work?”

 

“Ugh,” Louis flopped down onto his bed. “Long.”

 

“That’s what she said.”

 

Louis smiled, “How are you?”

 

“Good.”

 

“Just good?” He turned to face him fully “What’s up?”

 

Harry sighed, he hated to load him down when he’s been at work and already clearly exhausted.

 

“Nothing really.” He looked away.

 

Louis didn’t look impressed at his attempt to minimize the hell in his head.

 

“So you’re just ‘good’ and ‘nothing’ is wrong. Love, no offense, but I know you and that sounds like a whole load of rubbish.”

 

Another sigh. “The voices were bad today.”

 

He didn’t have to say anymore, Louis pulled him close. 

 

“What was it today?”

 

“The usual, mostly about you.”

 

“You know they’re not true, right? Whatever they say about me is a lie.”

 

“I know.” Even Harry knew he didn’t sound convinced.

 

“Hey, hey, look at me.”

 

He didn’t.

 

“Harry.”

 

“I don’t like it when you call me that.”

 

“Your name?”

 

“Yeah,” Harry licked his lips, pondering how to phrase this next part. “I talked with my therapist about it today. Is baby too hard to say?”

 

The confusion on Louis’ face cleared up, but there was still a small crease between his brows. “Do you know why I do it?”

 

“Because I’m not good enough for a pet name?”

 

Louis smiled and kissed his forehead lightly. “No, silly boy, because there is only one you, and there’s a million ‘babes’ in the world. A million ‘sweets’. But you? There’s only one Harry Styles.”

 

Harry considered this. He and the voices had never considered that.

 

Correction: he had never considered that.

 

It made him smile, the load that was on his back disappeared. All this over possibly the sweetest sentiment he had ever heard.

 

“Louis Tomlinson, have I ever told you how much I love you?”

 

“Only a couple thousand times, but you can say it again.”

 

“I love you, Louis.”

 

“I love you, Harry.”

 

And Harry knew he meant it.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for letting me get this out of my system. i was having my own voices and irrational thoughts and this helped me let go of them. if you enjoyed, i would love it if you left a comment or dropped a kudo, it's a pretty personal work for me.
> 
> follow me on [my tumblr.](http://fleetwoodsnacks.tumblr.com)  
> or [my one direction/larry blog.](http://prideflagstylinson.tumblr.com)
> 
> if you are going through your own mental health issues, my asks and messages are always open.


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